What Is an Abrasive Personality? Meaning, Traits, and Causes

What do people mean when they say that someone has an abrasive personality? It certainly depends on perception and expectations. Your “abrasive” may be someone else’s “strong.” Still, people generally use this term to describe someone who is very direct, forceful, and confident.

People with abrasive personalities are not all alike. Some may come across as just a little too intense, while others may be hurtful, intimidating, or difficult to deal with.

There are situations where having an abrasive personality can work very well. Abrasive people are often sharp and goal-oriented, which is why you are especially likely to meet them in corporate or competitive settings.

The term “abrasive personality” was hardly used until the 1970s, when Harry Levinson wrote his well-known book The Abrasive Personality.

Levinson describes a young, successful person who is well on their way to the top. Their superiors face a dilemma: should they promote this person, or should they let them go? The success this person brings to the organization comes at a heavy price.

Dealing with abrasive people can be confusing. On the one hand, they may be valuable to the organizations they work for. On the other hand, they may puzzle, frustrate, and intimidate others. In a sense, they can act like intellectual bullies.

To understand what it means to be abrasive, let’s take a closer look at abrasive personality traits.

Dominance

Abrasive people want to dominate their environment. Typically, they do not see others as their equals. Instead, they want to impose their will on others, and they want others to support them.

An abrasive person can still have genuinely good goals. The problem is the way they impose those goals on others.

In their view, there can be only one person in charge, and they intend to be that person. They are highly competitive and combative, and they want to be credited for what they do.

Aggression

People with abrasive personalities can become very aggressive in pursuit of their goals. They may step on others to get ahead, and broken relationships or lost trust may not stop them. They keep charging forward until they get what they want.

Wanting to reach their goals is not the only reason they can be so aggressive. There is another hidden motive: the fear of being controlled or dominated by others. When someone sees the world as dog-eat-dog, being vulnerable does not seem like an option.

On top of that, people with abrasive personalities tend to be suspicious of others and do not hesitate to engage in conflict if they suspect that someone is up to something.

Deep inside, an abrasive person may be as fearful as anyone else in the room, but they have learned to repress this fear so it doesn’t get in their way. One way they deal with fear is by challenging themselves to face it directly. They intentionally put themselves in uncomfortable situations until the discomfort goes away.

Toughness

Abrasive people see themselves as fighters. They think they need to push and force things to happen. They may also feel that they need to pressure the people around them to “shape up.”

Some abrasive people may even become addicted to conflict, constantly fighting and arguing over things that have very little real importance to them.

They may threaten and intimidate others until they get what they want. This type of “winning” gives them a huge ego boost. They did not back down; they fought, and they won — at least in their own mind. Over time, they may become increasingly proud of their combativeness.

Greed

One of the easiest ways to feel independent and control others is to control essential resources, such as food, shelter, and money. Because of this, some abrasive people attach more and more importance to money. To them, money means power, and having a lot of it becomes a priority.

Nitpicking

Abrasive people are often highly critical of others. In a meeting, they may constantly interrupt, criticize, point out mistakes, and dismiss other people’s comments as irrelevant.

In some cases, they may become emotionally abusive, ridiculing others and intimidating them.

People with abrasive personalities often believe that they are more competent than others, including their teachers or bosses. They tend to see other people as lazy and irresponsible.

Even when their criticism is correct, their manner is often so irritating and abrasive that the message is rarely appreciated.

Workaholism

Abrasive personalities feel uncomfortable when they are unproductive. Being successful helps protect their fragile self-esteem. In addition, work is a way to accumulate resources that allow them to feel independent and in control. They may dislike their job, but they keep working because they are afraid to stop.

An abrasive personality is likely to develop in unhealthy Type Eights and, to a lesser degree, unhealthy Type Ones. If you prefer the 16 personalities system, abrasive people are likely to be unhealthy ENTJs.

If someone has told you that you have an abrasive personality, you can improve your social skills by working with a coach. However, it is usually more effective to work on the underlying causes of your behavior with a professional therapist.