Are you needy or is it that other people are just being neglectful? Are you caring or clingy? Is it possible that you are too eager to help, to the point that your overinvolvement is unhealthy for you and others?
The test below is our attempt to answer these questions. Please remember that no test is perfect, and even if you aren’t satisfied with your results, we hope that our thought-provoking statements will help you to become more self-aware.
It’s important for me that people who receive my assistance know about my involvement.
True
Partially true
False
I feel slightly embarrassed when people praise me.
True
Partially true
False
I give unsolicited advice.
Often
Sometimes
Almost never
I am looking for love.
Agree strongly
Agree slightly
Not necessarily
I am genuinely concerned for other people (and not just because I need to be likeable).
Definitely true
Not always
False
I am told I am overly dramatic.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely or never
In conversations with my friends or my significant other, I often talk about how important our relationship is.
Agree
Agree slightly
Disagree
I am overly sensitive to criticism.
Always
Sometimes
Rarely or never
I must admit I secretly like it when other people are in crisis because this gives me an opportunity to help them.
Agree
Agree slightly
Disagree
I avoid introducing my friends to each other out of fear to be left behind.
Always
Sometimes
Never
I spend a lot of time fantasizing about “fixing” an emotionally damaged person in my life.
Agree
Unsure
Disagree
I get a sense of satisfaction from helping others without asking for anything in return.
True
Partially true
False
I talk a lot about my feelings and good intentions.
Agree
Agree slightly
Disagree
To be honest, I use my poor health as a way to get other people’s attention.
True
Partially true
False
I take care of others without compromising my own well-being.
True always
True most of the time
False
I need reassurance of other people’s love and loyalty.
Always
Often
Rarely or never
I regard newly met people as friends rather than acquaintances.
Always
Sometimes
Rarely or never
I get jealous of my partner’s friends.
Agree strongly
Agree slightly
Disagree
I don’t hesitate to ask very personal questions because I believe I can help.
Often
Occasionally
Rarely or never
I believe I can win over my romantic interests by being nice to them.
True
Somewhat true
False
It’s important for me to be that special friend that people confide in.
True
Somewhat true
False
I tend to fall in love with broken people.
Agree strongly
Unsure
Disagree
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I want to be needed.
True
Somewhat true
False
People accuse me in meddling in their affairs.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely or never
I am jealous of my friends spending time with their other friends instead of me.
Always
Sometimes
Never
I constantly check in with my friends / loved ones on the phone.
True
Somewhat true
False
I feel like I must be priority in other people’s lives.
True
Somewhat true
False
0-6 Emotionally independent
No, you aren’t needy or clingy. Your love is unconditional, and you aren’t afraid to love without being loved back in return. Things you give others — your time, your love, your attention, your assistance, the gifts you give — don’t feel like a burden because it’s clear that you share all of these things with others without expecting anything back. Your love is free and you don’t have a need to control others or make them feel indebted to you — they are free to respond or not.
You realize that some relationships aren’t meant to last and sometimes people may grow apart. Some people develop, change and grow on their own terms, which may mean that you can’t be as close as you once were. You don’t make any attempts to control the situation and just let things be. You know how to focus on yourself without being selfish, and because you don’t need relationships to feel complete, your happiness doesn’t depend on getting love from others.
This holds true in all of your relationships — romantic relationships, family relationships, relationships with your friends and colleagues. You are a self-sufficient and emotionally independent person.
7-19 Some reservations
Most people fall into this category. You aren’t exactly needy or clingy but you do have some of the tendencies described below (see “Hungry for Love”). Being honest with yourself and acknowledging you have an issue is the first step to improving your relationships.
20-54 Hungry for love
You may not acknowledge this yourself, but you are focused on gathering a circle of people around you who are becoming increasingly dependent on you. You may feel like you have their best interests at heart, but in reality you achieve this by making people feel indebted to you, and this isn’t how most people want to feel.
You may see yourself as a helpful and caring person. It is likely that you are spending a lot of time doing things for others, solving their problems, sharing your time and money with them. Although it may seem like sacrifice, but your help isn’t really free because deep inside you are expecting something in return, and people can sense that something isn’t right.
This can negatively affect your relationships and, generally, your relationships tend to unfold according to one of the following scenarios:
- As a real people pleaser, you attract users and abusers. They will gladly accept your assistance but your relationship with them will never be satisfying or healthy.
- Healthy and independent types eventually pick up on your ulterior motives and… run! Once again, your relationship needs remain unmet.
- There is a third scenario as well: a relationship with another emotionally needy person or someone with serious issues, perhaps an addict. Unfortunately, codependent relationships aren’t healthy either.
This of course brings us to the question: Why are you being needy? Most probably it is your belief that you don’t deserve love the way you are and your fear that people you care about will love others more than you. You believe that people should need you in order to stay in your life. Having someone depend on you gives you an illusion of control over your relationships and a fake sense of security. However, as it was mentioned above, this approach rarely works.
If you want to have more fulfilling and truly stable relationships, you need to learn to challenge your thinking patterns — boosting your self-esteem, getting rid of your anxiety and fear of being abandoned. You will also need to stop overcompensating for your supposed “flaws” by doing things for others they should be able to take care of themselves.
You should be willing to give other people more freedom and allow them to choose whether they want to be around. And if someone doesn’t want to be around you anymore because you stopped overcompensating and sharing your resources with them, you have to be willing to let them go.
CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) can help you change your thinking patterns. CBT is a very goal-oriented approach that doesn’t focus much on your past. Instead, CBT practitioners teach you to think differently so you can feel differently and behave differently as a result. It is very effective for anxiety, depression, self-esteem and relationship issues. You can try online CBT risk-free by visiting this link.
You may also like Empathy Test and People Pleaser Test
Online CBT Platform to Help Deal with Relationship Problems, Anxiety, Depression, Addiction, and More. Includes professional follow-up by a CBT therapist. Click here to get started.