Marriage is a form of partnership and during your long journey together you are likely to run into disagreements, which is healthy and nothing to worry about. However if your overall atmosphere at home is not a positive one, there are serious reasons to worry. If you are constantly arguing and fighting your marriage is not likely to last. When your home is not a happy and peaceful home, everyone suffers and your children suffer the most. In addition, you cannot relax and rest properly, which will take its toll on your physical and psychological health.
One of the best tips on how to stop arguing we can give to couples is that each partner has to carefully analyze his or her behavior first. We often tend to think we are right and the other person is wrong, which leads us to believe that any attempt on reading self-help information is pointless unless our spouses are willing to do the same. However, more often than not, we do terrible mistakes that contribute to disagreements creating unhealthy atmosphere in your home.
This isn’t to say you are guilty. This isn’t to blame the victim. What we are saying is you should be ready to take a long and hard look on what you are doing and saying and be willing to fix yourself first. Forget about proving who is right and who is wrong and try being happy instead.
When analyzing the behavior of arguing couples some obvious trends begin to show. Chances are you will find yourself and your partner in the list below. Realizing and correcting your own mistakes is the first crucial step to stop arguing and fighting with your spouse.
Competing with your partner.
Competing might improve many other areas of your life but if you are competing with your husband or wife then you are competing with a wrong person. Do not keep scores of what he or she does and does not. Whenever you do a favor for your spouse, don’t make sure he or she knows about it. Be sincere, be helpful and leave your competitiveness behind the door.
Finding faults in your spouse.
Some couples’ relationship deteriorated so far that they do not let anything slide by, no matter how small. They keep blaming each other using words like “always” and “never” or “You should have known better”. They become increasingly defensive to any criticism and become obsessed with getting their partners admit their mistakes. Needless to say, this only escalates things even further. Fighting will not cease unless one of you will show initiative and starts to actually control himself.
Trying to suppress.
In some couples who have problems with constant fighting one of the two is obsessed with idea of sick domination over his partner. This type of people will not allow their partners to express their opinions, often interrupting and ridiculing them. It’s like they don’t believe their partners are normal functioning human beings capable of thinking and taking even basic decisions.
Some couples understand how things should be on a rational level, but the habit of constant attacking, harsh voice, name calling, pointing fingers became so deeply ingrained into them that it takes huge amount of conscious effort and commitment from both sides to stop. Start by controlling yourself first so that at least you do not contribute or escalate things even further.
Refusing to forgive.
If you have been hurt by your partner, it might be indeed very hard to forget. However, if you do not manage to get over it, you will be consciously or unconsciously contributing to more arguing and fighting. You might be so angry that you experience heterostasis, the condition characterized by inability to sleep, poor concentration, headaches and back spasms. If you have reached that limit, seek for medical help immediately.
If you find yourself apologizing all too often when you and everybody knows you aren’t guilty, if you are dismissing compliments as if you did not deserve them, if you are afraid to voice your opinion for the fear of rejection you are downplaying yourself. This doesn’t make an attractive partner or even a friend, because this isn’t healthy. You might be thinking you are being easy but in reality you are pushing others away.
Summary on how to stop arguing for fighting couples
- Forget about being right, try being happy instead.
- Avoid all destructive behaviors listed above.
- Exercise control over yourself. You are the only person you control and this is already 50 percent of solution. Use self-hypnosis to help yourself stop yelling and love your imperfect partner. Do not suggest your partner to use these programs. He or she might not be ready and might ridicule you. Fix yourself first.
- Get professional help. Ideally, you want both partner to be willing to work with a therapist, but it’s not an absolute condition and your relationship can benefit greatly even if it’s only you who is open to it.
- Positive experiences should be more than negative. For every negative encounter aim for at least five positive experiences together. It’s okay if you are doing all the work. If you are interested in saving your marriage, somebody has to take initiative.
- Look into each other’s eyes. It will help you reconnect and fall in love with each other.