How to Apologize to Someone

So you’ve messed up, and now you are trying to figure out how to apologize and get the person you’ve hurt to forgive you. You know you were wrong, and now you want to fix the damage.

When talking about apologies, you can be in two very different situations:

• the upsetting event happened because of circumstances beyond your control, so you did not hurt or offend anyone intentionally, or
• you hurt someone intentionally, whether directly or indirectly.

Because there is such an important difference in intention, you will have to handle these situations differently.

How to apologize when things were beyond your control

If the upsetting event happened because of circumstances beyond your control, by all means explain that. Show that you feel bad about what happened, but also explain that you did everything you reasonably could to prevent it.

For example, if you were late to work because of a traffic jam, say so clearly. You can also explain that you tried to avoid the delay, but things did not work out as you hoped.

Just don’t overdo the explanation. If you go on and on about why it wasn’t your fault, it stops sounding like an apology and starts sounding like a defense. A simple “I’m sorry this happened” plus a short explanation is usually enough.

How to apologize when you’re really guilty

If you are really guilty, you need to show that you are ready to accept full responsibility for what you have done. Do not argue. Do not try to blame others. Do not blame the circumstances. Do not look for excuses. Instead, show that you are genuinely sorry and accept responsibility.

You need to come across as sincere, and you need to be very specific about what you did wrong and why it was wrong. A vague “sorry if you were upset” will not do much. It sounds weak, and it also sounds like you are putting the blame on the other person for being upset.

Because you made the other person feel bad, you need to restore the balance. Tell them you understand that their hurt or anger makes sense. Let them feel that the choice is theirs now. It is up to them whether they are ready to forgive you, and you should not pressure them to do it quickly.

In addition, you should assure them that this will not happen again and explain what steps you are going to take to prevent it. This part matters. Without it, an apology can sound like nothing more than a quick attempt to escape consequences.

When it’s hard to say sorry

Some people find apologizing very hard, even when they know they have to. Admitting that they were wrong can make them feel exposed, weak, or afraid that the other person will now have power over them.

Still, refusing to admit your mistakes and offer a sincere apology can put a serious strain on your relationships at work and at home. It can also lead you to exactly the place you don’t want to be: alone with your pride, but without the trust of people who matter.

If apologizing is hard for you, start with something simple. Say what you did. Say why it was wrong. Say you are sorry. Then stop talking before you turn the apology into a speech for the defense.

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