Every relationship is unique, and there could be many different reasons why a particular relationship couldn’t stand the test of time. But if you are struggling to find peace after a breakup, it is safe to suggest that you weren’t an initiator and that you wish to be back with the person you still love.
Stop blaming yourself
One of the common mistakes people make when dealing with an abrupt end of a relationship is thinking there must be something inherently wrong with them — they begin to believe they aren’t attractive enough, smart enough, successful enough, fun enough — you name it.
But the reality is that some of the most successful and attractive people had to go through painful breakups, and it certainly wasn’t their own choice.
Human relationships are complex in nature; a successful relationship isn’t just a matter of checking items off the list: pretty — check, fit — check, funny — check, rich — check!
Each person has their own internal world, perception, needs and desires. Your partner’s needs and desires may shift — very often unexpectedly, and you may find yourself unable to satisfy them anymore. Nevertheless, this doesn’t mean that you aren’t enough or that there is something wrong with you.
There is another thing to keep in mind: Because breaking up with someone isn’t an easy thing to do, some people will manufacture reasons for a breakup just to give excuses when the person they are breaking up with demands an explanation. These reasons aren’t the real reasons why they want to end the relationship, but it’s a way to end the conversation sooner and get started with their new life.
It is entirely possible that you were given such excuses and you are now picking yourself apart, wishing you haven’t done that one small thing they mentioned, or lost weight, or whatever other reason they gave you.
Stop over-analyzing and stop blaming yourself for events you didn’t cause. It’s not because you are fat. It’s not because you are busy. It’s not because of your children. It is highly likely that your partner has an entirely internal reason which has very little to do with you.
The best thing you can do is to accept. The sooner you accept the reality, the easier it will be to get peace of mind after a breakup.
Rediscover your identity
One of the biggest reasons why breakups can be so painful is that they often force us to give up the sense of identity we developed during the relationship, leaving us with a void. This void is the reason why you may feel so confused and so empty inside.
The concept of identity is very well known in social psychology. According to psychologists, we tend to identify ourselves with our possessions, things around us and, of course, people. Any loss or change in the existing state of affairs may cause us feel bad because now we have to adjust our perception of ourselves to the new reality.
When we enter a relationship, we tend to develop a new sense of identity which is different from what we had before, but it isn’t necessarily difficult because for most people it is a positive change. When the relationship is over, however, we cannot easily switch back to how things were before. When you lose a relationship, it may feel like you are losing a part of yourself.
It’s time to rediscover yourself and think of who you are out of the context of relationships with other people. Think of the things that are important to you and things you want to do that have nothing to do with others. Think of your personal needs and how to get these needs met.
Your circle of support
Having a good circle of support can be very helpful, but unfortunately not all of us have someone we can trust our intimate thoughts and feelings. You need someone supportive and understanding; someone who won’t judge you or blame you. You want someone positive, optimistic and honest at the same time.
Whether or not you choose to share your deepest feelings and embarrassments, spending time around others can be very therapeutic. It will help you keep your mind off the breakup and recover sooner.
Another excellent way to restore peace of mind after a breakup is to work with a professional therapist. Counselors are trained to deal with breakups, and they know what worked for other people.
Sometimes a well-meaning friend or relative may pass an offhand remark that will make us feel worse and cause us to ruminate over the issue for days. Relationship counselors, however, are well aware of such possibility and know exactly what to say and not to say to help you be at peace with yourself and move on faster.
There is a lot more practical tips on dealing with breakups here and here.