How to Stop Being Envious of Your Friends

There is no doubt that envy is extremely common, and very few people can honestly say they’ve never felt it. But is feeling envious normal or healthy?

When it comes to envy, different people may understand different things.

• For some, it’s a feeling of discontent aroused by someone else’s possessions or other desirable traits, along with a sense of relief when that person finally loses whatever desirable thing they had.
• For others, it’s simply admiration of someone else’s success without any ill intent.
• And then there are those who do not necessarily want others to lose all the desirable things they themselves do not have, yet feel relieved when they do. A lot of people simply relate better to those who are at the same level as themselves in terms of financial and professional success or looks. In addition, we tend to bond better with those whose struggles are similar to our own. At the very least, it makes a great topic for conversation!

Envy is dangerous not just because it can make you a bad friend, but also because it can push you to make bad decisions. If you allow yourself to get carried away with envy, you might find yourself buying things you don’t need just to keep up with your more fortunate friends or to experience the luxury and comfort they enjoy. This may hurt you emotionally and financially, which is why working on improving your self-esteem is so very important.

How to Deal With Envy

Unless it’s simple admiration, envy is not particularly healthy, and any ill feelings you have toward your more successful friends should be dealt with.

• Remember that what you see of other people’s lives is rarely the complete picture. Social media posts and photos are especially misleading, and in fact, people you envy may have even bigger struggles than you in other areas. Basically, you may be comparing your reality with someone else’s carefully presented version of their life, and that’s not a very useful comparison.
• Remind yourself that your wealthier friends may be where they are today partly because of the choices they’ve made. They may have traded off something you weren’t willing to trade off. Perhaps they didn’t have as much fun in their early twenties as you did, or perhaps they had to make sacrifices in their personal lives. Maybe they’ve lived, and continue to live, under constant stress while you have a much more relaxed life.
• Instead of feeling jealous, get inspired. While you can’t switch your poor parents for richer ones (not that you want to) or change your past, you can imitate behaviors that seem to help other people succeed.

  “I always knew I could be successful. I always knew I was going to be a multi-millionaire, and I would never accept anything less,” says Scott Alexander, a UK lifestyle and property tycoon who was only in his early thirties when he purchased an entire town in Bulgaria. You don’t have to be vain, but you can imitate motivation and work ethic.

• Get excited about having successful people around you. Their habits, ideas, experience, and way of thinking may give you useful examples to learn from.

Likewise, having a perfect life isn’t a guarantee of future success. In some cases, difficult experiences can become a powerful source of motivation.

“The bulk of entrepreneurs are psychologically driven people who are motivated to be successful. They are people who come from backgrounds and early life experiences which are quite negative — either teachers telling them they are no good or losing a parent — something early in their childhood, which [caused them to develop] lower self-esteem,” says Cary Cooper, a business psychologist interviewed for the BTV Docs documentary “Money Envy”.

So if you’ve had a difficult childhood or if you aren’t particularly confident, you may be able to use some of those experiences to motivate yourself to achieve more.

Of course, financial success isn’t the only thing you can be envious of. It could be looks, romantic partners, children, homes, or even weight. Not everything can be achieved simply by trying hard, and there are some things you will have to come to terms with.

If you regularly experience negative feelings and your envy causes you a lot of distress, talking to a professional therapist may help.