I Have No Friends – The Ultimate Fix

If you think you have no friends, you aren’t alone. In this day and age, feeling lonely — even in a crowd — is a common problem. Even in some of the most populous countries in the world, people feel increasingly isolated. In fact, the problem is so serious in Japan and China that a new type of service has emerged — you can actually rent a friend to hang out with you!

We have an inherent need to feel connected to others. At least occasionally, we need someone to share our food with, someone we can talk to and express our thoughts and feelings to. Much has been written about building and maintaining romantic relationships, but when it comes to something as essential as simple friendships, there is this expectation that they should happen naturally, without any effort. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work like that.

Why Do I Have No Friends?

There are several reasons why people may feel they have no friends, ranging from global to situational.

• Social media. One study found that people with high social media use felt more socially isolated than those who used it less. While social media may help us make new contacts, online communication isn’t always a substitute for face-to-face interaction [source].
• Situational factors. Perhaps you’ve moved to a new city and suddenly found yourself alone. Or maybe you live in a rural area with very few opportunities to meet anyone at all.
• Dispositional factors. Each person has their own unique personality and temperament. Some of us are more on the introverted side, and others may assume we prefer to be left alone. Or perhaps you are a little shy and don’t readily share your thoughts — other people may assume you aren’t interested in connecting with them.
• A natural tendency to lose friends. Social networks tend to begin shrinking around the age of 25, according to this study.
• The age factor. Making new friends often becomes harder once you are out of college.

I Have No Real Friends

And then there are some of us who have a lot of contacts and acquaintances, yet still feel they have no real friends. They feel their relationships lack depth and meaning. Despite the fact that there are plenty of people around them, they still feel very lonely.

If you are one of those people who feel they have no true friends, consider this:

• Intimate friendships take time to develop, and they all start as acquaintances. You don’t naturally become very close to someone you’ve just met. Be patient and nurture your relationships. Give it time!
• Do you have unrealistic expectations of what a friendship should be? Some people have a romanticized notion of friendship, which causes them to feel that other people don’t put enough effort into the relationship and that they have to constantly reach out themselves to be a part of things.

  But in reality, friendships are rarely perfect — other people are dealing with their own issues, and the last thing they want is a friend who constantly demands their time and attention instead of being supportive.

What to Do When You Have No Friends

Now that we’ve investigated some of the possible reasons why you have no friends and looked at some unrealistic expectations of what friendships should look like, it’s time to make your very own action plan to develop more meaningful relationships with the people around you.

Develop Better Self-Awareness

In the context of this article, self-awareness means knowing your own character and understanding how you come across to other people. First and foremost, you need to make sure you aren’t sending contradictory signals.

For example, you may appear unfriendly without realizing it if you:

• turn down several invitations;
• don’t share much information about yourself — often for fear of appearing too talkative;
• overreact when your potential friends don’t behave the way you expected them to;
• avoid eye contact;
• have closed-off body language;
• never look up from your phone;
• always wait for people to approach you;
• behave in a pretentious manner;
• gossip and generally don’t edit what you say;
• never listen to others.

Be Open to Meeting New People

Because all friendships begin as acquaintances, you need to commit to meeting more people. Most of these contacts will never become your close friends, and that’s okay. Without meeting a lot of people, your chances of finding those special few are much smaller.

As you meet more people, you may be tempted to dismiss some of them for one reason or another. For example, you may talk yourself out of following up with people because they:

• have a very different background;
• are too career-oriented;
• are too family-oriented;
• belong to a different race or ethnicity;
• seem too insecure;
• have a different marital status;
• are better off or worse off financially than you;
• the list goes on.

Although you may not be able to see it immediately, some of these people may have great potential to become your close friends. Unless you already have a lot of great relationships, in most cases there is no reason to reject someone based on these little differences.

Of course, you don’t have to force yourself to spend time with someone you absolutely can’t connect with, but being more flexible and giving people a chance certainly helps when you’re trying to develop more meaningful friendships.

Now you may be thinking that you don’t even have a chance to reject anyone because you don’t meet anyone in the first place. This is a valid concern, especially for people who aren’t in school or college anymore. As mentioned above, our social networks often begin to shrink after the age of 25, and the lack of a school or college environment may have a lot to do with it.

Ways to Meet New People

• Events, parties, gatherings. If you are invited somewhere, just go and figure out the rest later.
• Meetup groups. Check for Meetup groups in your area. Not only will you be able to meet new people, but you will also be able to connect with people who have similar interests.
• Attend classes. If you aren’t in school or college anymore, attending classes, such as language classes or something like money-management seminars, is a great way to build more connections without feeling awkward.
• Sports. Sports are another great way to connect with others. Join a gym or look for walking or running groups in your area.
• Walk your dog. Pets provide instant icebreakers, and walking your dog at a consistent time every day may give you an opportunity to meet the same people regularly and become more familiar with them.
• Use your kids. Another great way to connect with others is through your children. Taking your child to a sports class or a park, or attending a party with your child, can provide opportunities to meet other parents.

WARNING

Research has shown that some cults target lonely people and use their need to belong to attract new followers. Newcomers may receive a very warm welcome and develop friendships that seem much more meaningful than anything they have experienced before. Later, these relationships can be used to pressure or manipulate people into staying.

This topic is beyond the scope of this article, but be cautious if a group seems unusually controlling, demands excessive commitment, or tries to isolate you from other people in your life.

Nurture Your New Relationships

Now that you know more people, you need to nurture your relationships for them to have a chance to become close friendships. A lot of relationships never get off the ground because:

• we don’t initiate contact consistently;
• we think the other person should initiate contact;
• we don’t have time;
• we aren’t sure our potential friends feel the same way about us.

Overcoming our fear of rejection, being patient, and initiating contact a little more often than we might naturally want to can all help build quality relationships or, at the very least, improve our chances of transforming friendly acquaintances into actual friends.

Building friendships is a slow process, and rushing it can be counterproductive. If having no friends is too much to bear, it may be a good idea to work with a counselor who can help you deal with loneliness and advise you on better ways to connect with other people.

If you think about it, counselors are a little bit like Japanese friends for hire, except that they know a lot more about the inner workings of human relationships and can give you better advice.