Dealing with Negative and Toxic People

We all seem to have that one friend who is never happy. They keep complaining about things, but no matter what solution you suggest, they will find a reason why it will not work.

Although you can never suggest a “workable” solution, they insist on keeping in touch with you, which makes you feel used. You cannot help but wonder: Am I being used as an emotional dumping ground? Would this person even remember I exist if everything in their life were going well?

The answer is that you probably do not need to worry. Given their natural disposition, they will always find something they are not happy about, and there will always be something to talk about.

But what is going on with negative people, and how does their psychology work? Most importantly, are they really bad for you? Can their negativity rub off on you and become your default operating mode as well?

Why Are Some People So Negative?

Whiners and complainers often complain because they feel helpless.

This does not mean that negativity is a mental disorder. However, many psychological problems develop from a feeling of having no control, combined with an overwhelming desire to control at least something.

Negative people may feel weak and powerless over their environment and the outcomes of their lives. To make things worse, they may be unable to change their attitude or the way they feel about things.

Several factors may play a role in this:

• natural disposition;
• past negative experiences that formed a negative filter and now affect how the person sees things and events;
• health issues, such as hormonal imbalance or inadequate levels of certain brain chemicals.

Yes, But…

Many happier and more proactive people make the mistake of thinking that every time someone complains, they must be asking for advice.

They feel particularly frustrated when every suggestion they make is met with “Yes, but…” and then immediately discarded as something that will not work.

What we all need to understand is that most of the time, pessimists complain only to vent and validate their feelings. Talking about their problems gives them temporary relief. They simply need an outlet for their frustration.

However, it is important to understand that they are not necessarily asking for your advice, and they do not become particularly happy when you suggest something.

Yes, it may be hard to wrap your mind around this if you are an optimistic go-getter, which only proves that you two are very different people.

Not All Pessimists Complain

Not all negative people become annoying complainers.

Some quietly suffer from their own negativity and deal with its consequences on their own. Unfortunately, their world may be even darker, and they may be more prone to depression.

In that sense, they deserve our compassion.

Is Being Around Negative People Bad for You?

Venting is part of human relationships. From time to time, we may need an ear, a shoulder to cry on. We rant for a while, sometimes for a long while, and then we move on.

Not everything has to be “fixed,” and simply listening to a person is one of the greatest gifts you can give.

However, some people take simple venting to a whole new level, and this is when it can become harmful for you as well.

Here are some of the telltale signs of a toxic person:

• They almost never talk about anything positive. All they do is whine, whine, and whine. Usually, they focus on one main topic: their boss, a family member, or a particular person they hate but are forced to deal with. Occasionally, the topic may not involve relationships and may instead be about health or money issues.
• They are completely uninterested in you. Try telling them something about your life, and you will have your answer. If the person is toxic, they will likely interrupt you after a couple of minutes and take the stage again.
• You are not allowed to disagree with them. To them, your duty is to listen and support. You are not allowed to express another opinion or politely disagree. If you are not with them, you are against them. What they are doing here is building a coalition, and if you do not share their views completely, you cannot be considered their friend. If they find someone who listens and supports them “better” than you, they may be out of your life in a snap.
• They are narcissists. Narcissists are particularly prone to toxic venting, but not every person who gets carried away is necessarily a narcissist. However, if the person you are dealing with has narcissistic tendencies, the relationship may be even more unhealthy for you.

Stopping the Cycle

In a normal relationship where one person simply tends to get carried away while venting, you could break the cycle by saying something like:

• So what are you going to do about it now?
• Can we talk about something else?
• Let me speak now.

But when the person you are dealing with is not simply pessimistic or negative but toxic, these tricks will not work.

You need to be ready to give up on this person and literally walk away. Giving up on them includes letting go not only of the person but also of their opinion of you.

As mentioned above, truly toxic negative people tend to think in all-or-nothing terms and may turn against you the moment you disagree or stop supporting them. There is not much you can do about it except stop caring so much about what they think.

How to Deal with Negative People

Being around negative people may affect your attitude. If avoiding them is simply not an option, try the following:

• Set boundaries. Do not feel pressured to listen to a negative person, and do not spend more time with them than you absolutely need to.
• Do not rationalize. Negative feelings are often irrational, and trying to analyze and explain a negative person’s behavior may not be the best use of your time and mental energy. Do not become emotionally invested in their issues.
• Look for positive influence. Try to get closer to more positive people, read positive books, and practice looking for solutions.

Living with a Negative Person

Sometimes it is not easy to avoid negative people, especially when they live in your home. It could be your partner, sibling, parent, or even one of your adult children.

Here are some steps you can take to protect your well-being and stay optimistic while living with a negative person:

• Focus on yourself. Do what you need to do to stay positive and keep moving in the right direction.
• Do not overanalyze. Once again, negativity is often irrational, and trying to explain their feelings may drag you down.
• Be a positive influence. Focus on staying positive no matter what and show them a good example they can follow.
• Avoid arguments. It is easy to accuse your partner or family member of excessive negativity, but arguing itself is not a positive thing to do. Lead by example instead.

How to Become More Positive

If you think you are being too negative, there are several things you can do:

• Become more aware of your automatic thoughts. Most negative thoughts take over before we know it. Because negativity screams much louder, it is easy to drown in pessimism. Becoming more aware of your own negative thoughts and intentionally replacing them with something more positive — even if you do not believe it in the beginning — is the first and most important step in fighting negativity.
• Cultivate positivity. Positive experiences help build a more positive life. Spending time with friends and family, taking a vacation, spending time with pets, and enjoying nature can all increase positive feelings. Try doing these things even if you do not feel like it at first, and keep moving. Remember: idleness breeds depression and negativity. Staying in motion and being busy, even with small tasks such as grocery shopping or paying a bill, can help you feel better.
• Keep a journal. Writing in a journal can be very therapeutic. First, it can help you see your negative patterns and realize where things start to go wrong. Second, it helps organize your thoughts and find better solutions for real problems. Third, it keeps your friends sane because, generally, journaling satisfies the urge to vent much better, and you can appear more optimistic to your friends.
• Talk to a counselor. If you are overwhelmed by negative feelings, it is much better to work through your issues with someone who does this professionally. Not only do you get a chance to vent your feelings, but you may also be offered tools to deal with your frustration and become more positive.