Are you a chronic people pleaser? Are you desperate to gain other people’s approval while neglecting your own needs?
Being too nice or too agreeable may seem like a recipe for great relationships at first, except that it often doesn’t work the way we expect. There are several problems with this approach:
- People who tend to neglect themselves for the sake of others often attract users — lazy and abusive partners, co-workers and friends.
- People who always go out of the way for their friends and family also have emotional and physical needs that often remain unmet. They may never spell it out, but they also need other people’s support and attention. But because they never voice their true feelings, other people may not realize they need help or that something is wrong.
- People who hide their real feelings and opinions — their real personality — for the sake of being agreeable may not appear particularly interesting and may struggle in their personal life. They may have hard time finding a romantic partner or their romantic relationships may not last very long.
- A lot of people are actually suspicious of those who agree with everything and never voice their opinions because they feel like people pleasers aren’t genuine and they can’t figure them out.
- Because people pleasers appear so neutral and bland, others cannot connect with them. Hence, there can be no meaningful relationships.
- People pleasers give their all to relationships but often end up hurt and alone.
- People pleasers often resent others for not caring about them as much as they do.
Now what about you? Are you a people pleaser? Take the test below to find out!
Whenever I sense that someone disagrees with my point of view, I tend to soften my position.
Always
Often
Occasionally
Rarely
Never
I am an image conscious person.
Extremely
Very much so
Moderately
Somewhat
Not at all
I find it hard to set boundaries with some people.
Always
Often
Occasionally
Rarely
Never
I intentionally compliment people to appear more likeable.
Always
Often
Occasionally
Rarely
Never
I prioritize everyone else’s needs no matter how it affects me.
Always
Often
Occasionally
Rarely
Never
I work overtime to please my boss and/or colleagues.
Always
Often
Occasionally
Rarely
Never
Being in a relationship is important to me. I feel incomplete without a relationship.
Very important
Important
Moderately important
Of little importance
Unimportant
Conflicts make me anxious. I avoid confrontation.
Always
Often
Occasionally
Rarely
Never
I am treated like a doormat.
Always
Often
Occasionally
Rarely
Never
I compare myself to others.
Always
Often
Occasionally
Rarely
Never
I put more importance on other people’s feelings than on my own.
Always
Often
Occasionally
Rarely
Never
Whenever my friends complain about something, I tend to express my agreement with their point of view even if I secretly think they are wrong.
Always
Often
Occasionally
Rarely
Never
I forgive those who hurt me out of fear of losing relationships, even when it still hurts inside.
Always
Often
Occasionally
Rarely
Never
I only attempt to do things I know I can succeed at.
Always
Often
Occasionally
Rarely
Never
I give more than I take.
Always
Often
Occasionally
Rarely
Never
I am often stuck doing things I don’t want to do simply because I can’t say “No”.
Always
Often
Occasionally
Rarely
Never
I resent others for not reciprocating.
Always
Often
Occasionally
Rarely
Never
I imitate other people’s behavioral and clothing styles.
Always
Often
Occasionally
Rarely
Never
I don’t complain about a bad service or product.
Always
Often
Occasionally
Rarely
Never
I apologize when I don’t have to.
Always
Often
Occasionally
Rarely
Never
70-100
You are excessively dependent on other people’s opinion about you. If someone mistreats you or looks down on you, you automatically blame yourself. You tend to get caught up in this unproductive cycle and may feel worn out, depressed and anxious. As it was mentioned above, there are a lot of problems with this approach. Your chronic people pleasing doesn’t get you the results you want because
- you either end up getting used by lazy and/or manipulative people,
- or you cannot connect with other (healthy) people because they don’t feel like they know the real you.
You may find useful this 10-step assertiveness program or this Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) platform. CBT is a good way to challenge your thinking patterns in order to change the way you feel and act. The assertiveness training is a high quality self-hypnosis program developed by four professional hypnotherapists.
40-69
While you are not a chronic people pleaser, you do sacrifice a lot. You may be very assertive with some people in your life while being treated like a doormat by some others. It is very likely that you find it difficult to assert yourself with some of the most important people in your life — your spouse, your children or some family members. You are draining out of energy and feel very resentful.
These two downloads may be helpful:
Setting boundaries
Learn to say ‘No’ and mean it
20-39
You must be a warm and considerate person without being needy or desperate. You believe that to be able to take care of others, your own needs should be met first. There are times when you give more than you take and there are times when you withhold your opinions for the sake of diplomacy. Overall, however, you are your own best friend, and you attend to others as time and energy permit.
Less than 20
You are an independent thinker with a healthy sense of your own worth. You handle criticism effectively either by treating it as useful feedback or by simply dismissing it when irrelevant. This helps you achieve your goals and treat your failures as learning experiences. You aren’t particularly concerned about being diplomatic and some people may resent you for not being sensitive or considerate enough.
