Dealing with People Who Talk Only About Themselves

At first, they may seem almost perfect: open, outgoing, and happy to share. Because they talk so freely, it is easy to get to know them and feel close to them quickly. Their willingness to talk about their own life may make you hope that they will also be there to listen when you need support.

They may also have other good qualities. They may be funny, enthusiastic, entertaining, or easy to be around. Unfortunately, things do not always go the way you expect. After a while, you may realize that you have become friends with someone who is not especially sensitive to your needs.

Some people call them narcissists. Here, we are simply talking about people who only talk about themselves. That distinction matters because narcissism has become a very popular word, and it can mean different things to different people.

Sometimes it refers to someone with narcissistic personality disorder. Other times, people use it more loosely to describe someone with narcissistic tendencies. Your talkative friends may or may not be narcissists. They may even have very low self-esteem and still talk too much about themselves and their problems. Narcissism and excessive talking are not necessarily the same thing.

The people we are talking about here are mostly interested in a conversation if it is about them or something connected to them.

They may seem barely interested in the person they are talking to. Even when they ask questions, it can feel like surface-level politeness, especially if they do not wait for the answer or listen until the end. If the conversation moves in another direction, they may interrupt you, change the focus, and steer it back to themselves.

People usually dominate conversations in a few familiar ways:

• They keep talking about themselves, so others barely get a chance to speak.
• They interrupt often and pull the conversation back to what they want to talk about.
• They give very little response when someone else is speaking, so the other person eventually stops.

Supportive responses are the small things a good listener says, such as “Oh really?”, “I see,” “That sounds hard,” “What are you going to do now?”, and similar comments. These responses are an important part of being a good listener and a good friend. They show that you are present, available, and focused on the person you are with.

When someone gives no real response at all, the conversation starts to feel awkward. Most socially aware people will eventually stop talking because it feels as if the other person is not really listening. People who talk too much about themselves may do this on purpose, or they may not realize they are doing it. Either way, the result is the same: you stop talking sooner, and they get to steer the conversation back to themselves.

There are many reasons why people behave this way, and narcissism is only one of them. They may also be driven by:

• a need for attention,
• a need to have their feelings validated,
• insecurity,
• discomfort with silence,
• immaturity,
• lack of social sensitivity,
• poor social skills,
• and yes, sometimes narcissism.

Sometimes they may realize that something is wrong, but talking feels so good that they find it hard to stop. Trying to explain the problem may or may not damage the friendship. It also may not make them suddenly more interested in listening.

If you are friends with someone who talks too much about themselves, you have a few options:

• You can step back from the friendship if it feels too one-sided or draining.
• You can set limits on how much time and energy you give to the relationship.
• You can continue listening, while accepting that the pattern may not change much.

Because you probably cannot force them to change, it may help to ask yourself why you are staying in the relationship in the first place. Are you lonely? Is it hard for you to make new friends right now? Are you passive about meeting new people, or afraid to be alone?

These are useful questions because they may reveal important truths about you.

In a healthy friendship, both people usually get a chance to talk. It does not have to be exactly equal every time, but over time, the relationship should not feel like one person is always speaking and the other is always listening.

Showing genuine interest in your friends means asking questions, responding to what they share, and giving them space to talk. It also means cutting them some slack when they get carried away and go on a bit. As long as it is not a constant habit, it is okay to let your friend talk and simply be there for them.

To make conversations enjoyable for both people, it helps to choose topics that interest both of you. Personal topics can absolutely be part of a friendship, but the conversation should not always revolve around one person’s daily problems, feelings, or private affairs.

When a friendship is still new and you do not know much about the other person yet, ask simple open-ended questions, such as “Do you like sports?”, “Do you like to read?”, “What is your favorite TV show?”, and similar questions. These questions help you find common ground and get a better sense of what you might enjoy talking about in the future.

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