Raised by a Narcissistic Mother

Before we go into detail about narcissistic parents, and narcissistic mothers in particular, it is important to mention that although the terms “narcissism” and “narcissistic personality disorder” are often used interchangeably, they are not necessarily the same thing.

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition that has to be diagnosed by a psychiatrist or another adequately trained mental health professional, and it is not something to be taken lightly.

Narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD, is characterized by:

• a destructive preoccupation with oneself;
• an unreasonably strong sense of entitlement;
• an expectation of superior treatment from other people;
• an exaggerated sense of self-importance;
• unrealistic fantasies of success, beauty, and ideal love;
• an overwhelming craving for admiration;
• intense envy of others;
• lack of understanding of other people’s feelings;
• taking advantage of other people, including one’s own children.

The term “narcissism” can be used as an everyday term for NPD, or it can be used to describe behaviors that are somewhat similar to NPD but do not meet the threshold for a mental health diagnosis.

Having said that, both situations can be very damaging for children of narcissistic parents. In cases of simple narcissism, or narcissism that has not reached the level of NPD, however, this is not always the case.

Children of Narcissistic Mothers

A child growing up under the care of a narcissistic mother may be deprived of some of the most basic and important emotional needs, such as:

• unconditional love;
• comfort;
• security;
• acceptance;
• healthy encouragement.

In addition, a narcissistic mother may display a range of unhealthy behaviors toward her children, including:

• being extremely controlling, as if the child exists only to fulfill her wishes and needs;
• making the child feel inadequate or not good enough;
• placing unreasonably high demands on the child;
• subjecting the child to emotional abuse.

Narcissistic mothers typically view their children as extensions of themselves. They may talk about maintaining the family image, making the parents proud, or blame their children for being too weak or otherwise less than perfect.

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

Being the daughter of a narcissistic mother is particularly challenging.

It is not uncommon for women affected by narcissism to view their daughters as competition and feel jealous of them. While a healthy parent wants her children to shine, a narcissistic mother may be jealous of her daughter’s youth, beauty, education, accomplishments, and even her relationship with her father.

The daughter may be punished for any attention she receives from others or for doing too well. The message sent is very confusing: on the one hand, the daughter is required to do well and make her mother proud. On the other hand, she should not do too well and outshine her mother.

If the daughter is particularly successful, her narcissistic mother may act proud in public but then punish her in private.

Roles in a Narcissistic Family

Generally, children of narcissistic mothers, whether sons or daughters, fall into one of three categories (source):

• All-good child, or golden child. This is the child the mother expects to serve her grandiose projections. She may tell this child that they are special and exceptional and treat them like a prince or princess. Although golden children may be spoiled and indulged, they may still struggle with the weight of their status and the unrealistic expectations placed on them. Another difficulty golden children may face is that they may have to witness the abuse of their siblings or even be forced to participate in it.
• No-good child. No matter how hard they try, no-good children can never do anything right, according to their narcissistic mothers. Because their mothers find them so frustrating, they are often victims of emotional and physical abuse.
• Lost or forgotten child. These children do not seem to be important to their mothers. They are not perceived as a threat, and there are no high hopes for them either. These children may have more freedom to keep to themselves and generally avoid conflict by keeping a low profile. They may be the least targeted of the three types, but they may still suffer from emotional abuse and neglect.

In addition, a narcissistic mother-in-law may give her daughter-in-law a hard time as well. She may feel particularly jealous of her daughter-in-law if her son is her “golden child.”

Effects of Being Raised by a Narcissistic Mother

The consequences of being raised by a narcissistic mother can be far-reaching. They may include:

• feeling not good enough;
• self-blame;
• emptiness;
• loneliness;
• confusion;
• feeling unloved;
• abandonment issues;
• shutting people out;
• neediness and other insecure behaviors;
• inability to form intimate relationships;
• inability to trust other people;
• anxiety;
• emotional numbness;
• lack of desire to even try to do anything in life;
• lack of connection with the father;
• narcissistic tendencies, particularly in “golden” children.

The severity of these consequences may range from mild to severe and really depends on the situation.

There are many message boards dedicated to this subject, as well as unofficial support groups on social networks such as Facebook. Joining these places may be a good option if you simply want to talk to someone or vent your feelings.

However, if you are suffering from serious emotional pain as a result of being raised by a narcissistic mother, it may be best to seek professional help. Seek out a counselor — or ideally a psychotherapist — in your area.

Being raised by a narcissistic mother can be one of the most painful and damaging experiences a person can have in childhood, but being in a romantic relationship with a narcissist or narcissistic sociopath can be heartbreaking regardless of age.