The White Knight Syndrome in Men and Women

When people talk about white knight syndrome, they often picture it as a trait that mainly affects men: a certain type of man who is drawn to women with problems. Devoting themselves to helping and rescuing these women gives them an ego boost and a sense of purpose.

However, this trait is not exclusive to men. It can affect women too, and the pattern does not have to appear in a romantic relationship.

In another article, we wrote about people who feed off drama — people who cannot get enough of your problems. They may seem excited by your misfortunes and almost eager to fix things for you. But what may look like a sincere desire to help can sometimes be an attempt to get more attention, feel important, and control another person.

White knight syndrome is closely related to this pattern, but with a slight twist. In the beginning, white knights may be genuinely emotionally sensitive and caring toward the other person. Over time, however, sincere concern can shift into a more narcissistic desire:

• to be admired;
• to be loved;
• to be important;
• to be indispensable;
• to tell others what to do.

This is why, although many women dream of a relationship with someone who has white knight traits, those who are actually in such relationships may not find it so wonderful after all. Depending on where the person falls on the narcissism spectrum, ending the relationship can be notoriously difficult.

But what causes white knight syndrome? There can be a number of reasons, for example:

• low self-esteem;
• lack of direction and purpose in life;
• abandonment issues;
• the experience of having lost a caregiver in childhood;
• narcissism.

In personal relationships, white knights typically have the following characteristics:

• a tendency to idealize their partner;
• being overly sensitive to any sign of rejection;
• an overwhelming desire to be important;
• a certain degree of manipulativeness, although white knights may not always be aware of their manipulative tendencies;
• intentionally seeking partners with problems;
• neediness;
• a belief that they are not good enough to be liked as they are.

While not every case of white knight syndrome involves narcissism, any relationship based on the white knight and “person in distress” dynamic is unhealthy. Even when the white knight is not especially manipulative, they may still have unresolved emotional issues and may put themselves in harm’s way by seeking relationships with people who need rescuing.

There are several reasons for this:

• People can sense the white knight’s hidden agenda and may eventually grow to resent them, which causes the white knight a lot of emotional suffering.
• Even when white knights receive love, attention, admiration, and a sense of importance, they put in far more than most people need to, just to receive what others get naturally. This does not help their already low self-esteem.
• Because white knights are drawn to unhealthy people for unhealthy reasons, they deny themselves the chance to have healthy and fulfilling relationships that do not revolve around constant drama or emotional overextension.
• Rescuing is often done at the expense of the white knight’s own well-being. For many white knights, focusing on other people’s problems is a way to avoid dealing with their own issues.
• Female white knights can be at particular risk because the pattern may look a little different in women. While male white knights may be drawn to women with problems in general, female white knights may be drawn to men with addictions, instability, or abusive patterns.

If you think you may have white knight syndrome, or if you need help dealing with a manipulative white knight, talking with a therapist or counselor may be the best course of action.