Relationship Counseling: Your Questions Answered

It’s fair to say that every marriage has its ups and downs, and sometimes the “happily ever after” you’ve always imagined doesn’t turn out quite the way you thought it would. Before long, you may feel a certain distance between you and your significant other and notice it growing with every passing day. Before you know it, you find yourself scrambling to save a failing relationship and, above all, your marriage.

It feels like you’ve tried everything, doesn’t it? Talking, making amends, trying to change things, yet it hurts to see your efforts failing. The thought that you may be getting closer and closer to becoming strangers can be straight-up terrifying.

Signs You Need a Relationship Counselor

One of the biggest signs is a lack of communication.

When communication deteriorates, it can be very difficult to restore it on your own. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you have stopped talking altogether. Even frequent negative exchanges can leave you feeling judged or looked down upon, which eventually may make both of you afraid to initiate even the simplest conversation.

This is where things can start getting worse before you know it. Eventually, both of you may begin living separate lives. Affection may be withheld as a weapon or punishment, secrets become more common, and you may start questioning the whole purpose of staying together.

Other situations that may warrant a visit to a counselor include:

• You want different things from your relationship.
• You have very different views about money.
• Your relationship seems to be stuck in a cycle where the same issues keep coming up.
• You feel like you are walking on eggshells.
• You either avoid conversations or bicker constantly.
• You are contemplating an affair.
• You have a lot of secrets.
• You can find 54 signs of a deteriorating relationship and a free interactive quiz here »

What Happens in Relationship Counseling?

The main goal is to provide a neutral environment where both of you can express yourselves freely and work toward a better understanding of the problems in your relationship. Sometimes you already know exactly what the problem is. Other times, part of counseling is figuring out what the real issue actually is.

The first session may begin with fairly basic questions about yourselves and your relationship. From there, the conversation may move toward more personal topics, such as your behavior, habits, communication style, family background, and private life.

You may find yourself talking about things you would normally avoid or saying things that are difficult for your partner to hear. It can take some effort to express your feelings clearly and tactfully instead of turning the session into another argument.

What to Expect From Marriage Counseling

It is important to know what you’re getting into and to have realistic expectations about what a counselor can do. Rebuilding a relationship takes time and effort, and both of you have to be willing to invest in the process.

Some sessions may be uncomfortable because both of you will need to be honest about the problems you are having. Expect the counselor to help you navigate those problems and work toward possible solutions.

There may also be personal questions about your past, your behavior, and the way you relate to each other. Some counselors may give you exercises or homework to complete between sessions.

The final decisions, of course, will always be in your hands. It may also help to think in advance about what you want to discuss so that you can explain your concerns as clearly as possible.

Is Marriage Counseling Helpful?

Speaking straightforwardly, marriage counseling will not always work. It shouldn’t be viewed as an easy fix for your marriage. What it can do, however, is help you understand the problems at hand more clearly than you may be able to do on your own, and that alone can make relationship counseling worthwhile.

One important factor is timing. The motivation you and your spouse have to work on the relationship can make a major difference. Motivation can also deteriorate over time, which is one reason it may be better to address persistent problems rather than allowing them to continue for years.

A frequently cited finding in the field of couples therapy is that unhappy couples often wait years before seeking help. By then, resentment may be deeply established and some problems may be much harder to repair.

In the end, the decisions still come down to the two of you. A counselor can help you identify problems, understand patterns, improve communication, and explore possible ways forward, but they cannot make the relationship work on your behalf.

Does Marriage or Relationship Counseling Work?

As mentioned above, many couples wait a long time before making their first appointment. However, this doesn’t necessarily mean it’s too late.

There are many factors that can affect the outcome of counseling, including timing, motivation, commitment, the nature of the problems, and whether both partners are willing to make changes.

Your counselor is there as a guide, not a fixer. They may offer you new perspectives, help you recognize patterns that are difficult to see from inside the relationship, and provide a neutral place where you can discuss difficult subjects with your partner.

Keep your expectations realistic. Counseling can help you understand your relationship dynamics, but both partners still have to put what they learn into practice. A counselor can guide you through the process, but actual changes have to happen outside the counseling room too.

Can I Go to Marriage Counseling by Myself?

Yes, you can. For one reason or another, your partner may refuse to go, but that doesn’t mean you can’t seek help yourself.

Going alone has its advantages. During individual sessions, you may find it easier to speak freely about your feelings, concerns, and experiences without worrying about how your spouse will react.

A therapist may also help you understand your own behavior and identify changes you can make. Even when only one person changes the way they communicate or respond to conflict, the dynamics of a relationship can sometimes change as well.

Individual therapy can also give you a clearer perspective on your relationship and help you decide what you want to do next.

Couples Counseling vs. Individual Therapy

Individual therapy and couples counseling serve different purposes.

Individual therapy focuses primarily on you. It gives you an opportunity to examine your thoughts, feelings, behavior, past experiences, and your own role in the relationship.

Couples therapy focuses more directly on the relationship between the two of you. The therapist can observe how you communicate, identify recurring patterns, and help both partners find more constructive ways to respond to each other.

Neither option is automatically better. Individual therapy may be more appropriate when you want to work on your own concerns or when your partner doesn’t want to attend. Couples counseling may make more sense when both of you want to work directly on the relationship together.

In some situations, a person may use both at different times.

Divorce and Pre-Divorce Counseling

Marriage is one of the biggest transitions in life, and divorce can be another. Both can affect almost every area of your life.

In pre-divorce counseling, a counselor may help both partners communicate more effectively while deciding whether to separate or while working through the practical and emotional questions surrounding a separation. This may include parenting, finances, expectations, feelings, and plans for the future.

Divorce can be extremely painful. Some people manage to work through the sadness, grief, and upheaval without professional help, while others choose to seek counseling. Asking for help doesn’t indicate weakness. Sometimes having a neutral person to talk to simply makes a difficult situation easier to navigate.

If the aftermath of a divorce leaves you struggling with persistent feelings of worthlessness, self-hatred, hopelessness, or depression, professional support may be particularly useful.

Premarital Counseling

Not all counseling begins when a relationship is already in trouble. Premarital counseling can also be used as a preventive step before getting married.

One of its biggest advantages is that it encourages couples to talk about the future before making a major commitment. Topics may include personal ambitions, careers, children, money, family expectations, communication, and the type of life each person wants.

A counselor may also help you explore how you are likely to deal with disagreements when they arise. Sometimes simply having these conversations reveals differences that neither person had thought much about before.

Premarital counseling gives couples an opportunity to learn more about themselves and each other and to look at their future together from a slightly different angle.

It can’t guarantee that a marriage will succeed, but it may help you enter the marriage with more realistic expectations and a better understanding of each other.

What to Look for in a Marriage or Relationship Counselor

Choosing the right counselor is important. Even a highly qualified therapist may not necessarily be the right person for you as a couple.

The counselor should be able to listen to both partners without automatically taking sides. Their role is not simply to decide who is right and who is wrong, but to help you understand what is happening in the relationship and determine what you want to do about it.

You should also feel comfortable enough to speak openly about difficult and sometimes very personal issues. If either of you feels unable to talk honestly in front of the counselor, the sessions may not be very productive.

Research their qualifications and make sure they have relevant training and experience in couples or relationship therapy. A mental health professional may be highly qualified in one area without having much experience working with couples.

It is perfectly reasonable to ask a potential counselor about their training, experience, approach to couples therapy, and the types of relationship problems they commonly work with.

Relationship Counseling Online

In many situations, online relationship counseling can be a convenient option. Perhaps you live in an area where you don’t have easy access to therapists, or you simply prefer speaking to someone from home.

For couples counseling, online sessions can also make scheduling easier when two people have different working hours or when one partner is reluctant to visit a clinic.

Depending on the service and therapist, online counseling may be available through video, audio, or messaging. The wider choice of therapists can also make it easier to find someone whose experience and approach suit your particular situation.

How Much Does Relationship Counseling Cost?

The cost of relationship counseling varies considerably depending on where you live, the counselor’s qualifications and experience, the length of the session, and whether counseling takes place in person or online.

Couples sessions may also be longer than standard individual therapy sessions, and most couples need more than one appointment.

Insurance coverage varies as well. Some plans may cover certain forms of mental health treatment but not couples counseling when there is no individual mental health diagnosis involved.

Before booking, ask the counselor or service about the price per session, session length, cancellation policy, insurance coverage, and any additional costs.

Conclusion

Whether your marriage is going through a difficult period, you are considering separation, you are preparing to get married, or you simply want to understand your relationship better, counseling can offer a new perspective on what is happening and what your options might be.

A counselor can help you identify problems, notice patterns, communicate more effectively, and explore possible solutions. What happens next, however, still depends largely on the people in the relationship. Therapy can provide guidance and tools, but the actual decisions and changes have to come from you.